New Start

Hello and welcome to my new blog!!

I've been wanting to do this for a while now, but feel that now really is the time to change.

Over the past five years, I've been struggling with my outlook on life. I'm only 18 years old, and it does make me sad to think that pretty much all of my teenage years have been revolving around food and my weight.

I've pretty much stayed the same weight all this time, because the reality is that I've gone about my task in stupid, silly ways. At the moment I'm 25 lbs away from my goal weight and I'm definitely not what you would call fat (whatever that word even means today ...), but I'm not comfortable like this. I feel like I've been in a limbo of calories, inches and pounds for all these years, and I've finally realised I need to change how I am if I want to be happier.

Because, the truth is, I've never been truly happy. The ironic thing is that my friends and family wouldn't suspect a thing, which is often the way isn't it? Anyone who'd look at me would see a bright, cheerful girl and not know that I was actually planning a binge once I got home, or secretly wondering how I could get out of dinner.

And yes, as you've probably guessed, I have had disordered eating with food over this time. I wouldn't want to say I'd had anorexia or bulimia, but I have absolutely carried out traits of both. Heavily restricted eating, skipping meals, only to fail and eat a slice of pizza with friends, figure that I've messed the entire day up only to go home and eat an entire packet of biscuits and a tub of icecream. I've become a master of covering up my tracks and acting like everything's OK. Which brings me onto another thing ...

I want to be an actress, and I'm incredibly lucky that when I was only 15 I secured a top London acting agent. How amazing? And, yes, I know how lucky I am. But guess what? 3 years in and after countless auditions I haven't got a single job. Listen, I'm not an idiot. Yes, I'm curvy and that doesn't work on the TV screen. I know why I haven't got any roles, and I think that actually that's the root of my problems. My disordered eating is only fuelled when my ambition takes over and tells me not to eat, but when reality steps in I'm starving hungry, and wolf down half a cake! It's ridiculous!

And I've had enough, I'm totally sick of not being happy and being the only obstacle standing in the way of my dreams. I've realised that the cure for binge eating isn't starvation, but health. And also a dollop of realism. I'm not going to lose this weight in 2 weeks, it will take time. If I allow this time I know I'll be happier and maintain my goals.

I hope you'll follow on this journey with me, as I become a truly, deeply, and occasionally madly 'healthy girl'.

xoxo